Wednesday, January 28, 2009
People say it sometimes because they're too preoccupied with everything else that they refuse to care about other things of less importance.
We often say that to show that we're too strong to even worry about anything. We say it most of the time to show we're cool.
Aside from all these lousy reasons, during special occasions, we say it because we're way too happy to even bother.
I have been dropped officially/unofficially (I'm not sure of my status) from one of my subjects and honestly, I'm worried. I am aware that my professor is mad at me, but right about that matter, I don't care. What's important now is that I pass this subject (even with a tres for the love of Christ) and graduate.
I am still literally at war with a friend. I have no idea if I still consider him a friend. He nudges, he says things, he smirks and rolls his eyeballs at me, and in that regard, I don't care. I'm happy with the remaining friends that I have and nothing, even the thought of him bashing me round and about can even make me feel depressed. People who mock you and throw stones at you are perfect examples of people who should just be ignored. Love of attention can be found in more ways than one and if they find happiness in feeling superior, you just let them be. After all, they perfectly know what makes them happy and you're not in the right position to deprive them of their happiness. As they say, ignorance is bliss.
I get sick all the time and I don't care. I'm still alive and the thought of living another day despite sickness is enough to keep me going.
I give up matters of consequence for my personal joys and I don't care what happens next.
I cry, laugh, cry again, laugh again. People say I'm hard headed and all that, because I don't listen, but I don't care. I thank them for listening and for being there, but I'm gonna be even more grateful for letting me feel and experience how it feels to live a great, recessive-nonetheless-radical, booming life. Yeah.
I would still go through a lot and would still learn a lot. As for that, it's the difficulty of things that I wouldn't even care about. Oh, life.
As for now, I only care about how I feel for people I love the most, and for those who can stand right behind me when I feel like falling backwards. I only care about today.
Love, love, love. I love loving. :)
La Vita El Bella. Life is Beautiful.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Thursday, January 15, 2009
2. I watched the first episode of American Idol and was impressed with Scott McIntyre (I'm not really sure about the spelling of his name). He's blind, but he was so good at playing the piano and he sang his audition piece with perfect pitch. I hope he makes it to the top ten of this season. I doubt it though, because people run after entertainment, versatility and performance. A talented but disabled person can only have sensationalized sympathy for a couple of weeks. After that, people will get bored and will resort to their original standards for choosing a good performer. It was a brave move though. Anyway, how many chances are given to people who have physical challenges to come up on stage and perform in front of a big audience?
3. I waited for my ninong at Market! Market!, as he said he was going to fetch me. I didn't know how to get to my ninang's house so I agreed. It took thirty minutes but it felt like a millenium. It was so cold. Brr. It was so cold I hated it. Imagine, the sun was glaring down on you and you were still literally freezing because of the wind. I hated it. This awful weather frightens me.
4. Ayoko ng taong makulit. Argh. Pota. Naiirita ako sa taong makulit.Kapag sinabi ng isang beses di na kailangan paulit ulitin. Kapag ayaw sumunod pabayaan.
5. I fucking hate CHEATERS. I wasn't able to sit down for 2 hours because I had to stop the fancy, giddy and amazingly shrewd acts of cheating inside my class. I hate CHEATERS. Oh god, I can say it a thousand times. I so hate CHEATERS. They're like liars sticking their demon tails and damien faces out in the sun, and they even go out of the classroom proud of their malevolent behavior. God, I hate cheating.
6. Malapit na ako magdemo. Malapit na matapos. Nalulungkot ako na natutuwa. Natutuwa ako kasi gagraduate na ako. Nalulungkot ako kasi mamimiss ko yung mga studyante ko. Araw araw na lang parte na sila ng hinanakit ko, ng frustrations ko. They have become my stories and it's a sad fact that I have more sad stories to tell than the happy ones. I try too hard to become a good teacher for them and their failures become mine.
7. I have learned something today: Give your all, but prepare yourself for the fallbacks. You'll realize how painful it gets not to be loved back. As they say: The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return. Too bad my students do not really love me that much. :(
8. Natututo na akong maging organized! Ang galing. Biruin mo, kanina ako pa ang naghahanap ng gagawin kasi tapos ko na yung ginagawa ko! It's fantastic. I cannot even believe myself.
9. I'm not happy, but I'm ok with it. Being okay with it doesn't mean I can tolerate sadness for long. Nonetheless, being unhappy still doesn't mean giving up.
10. I LOVE VINCE AND HE'S BACK! Vince's Life is so cool, I remember I was once addicted to reading the Vince's Life articles in Seventeen. I felt sorry for Vince after breaking up with Andrea but life has to move on--what the heck, after a long wait he's back! After his break up with Andrea (who migrated to US), he meets a new girl named Cat. The sad part is, he's already in love with Cat and Andrea's coming back home! Hmm. Interesting? Yeah, I know. Vince's Life 2 is out. Sold in National Bookstores for 150.00 Php.
Monday, January 12, 2009
I always keep the same book in my bag. I always bring it with me wherever I go, and read it whenever I have time. The words leave traces in my head. The characters move, talk and act as if they were given life.
The book that I have with me is about two lives--one that can live with or without the other and the other one that cannot live alone. You see, everytime I flip through the pages of that book I remember all other stories of people who I have talked with and stories of those people who I have not even met. It was as if the author knew of what I have always yearned for in a story.
I remember the part where the main character decides to go against his people's norms to live with the girl he loves. I can picture it perfectly in my head. The way he whispers, "I'll take you wherever I go, and give you happiness until you choose to breathe my name and life." The girl smiles, turns and walks away from someone she never thought she would even desire.
I remember the part where she runs back right after him. She runs, and runs until she finally turns around and sees him standing behind her, smiling. Oh yes, I can see every scene. He leans and looks at her, she looks away for she knows she won't stand those eyes that seep through her. I can imagine those eyes. Copper. Fierce. Deep. I can sense the way he touches her. He lays his hands on a fancy figurine, as if it were something of excellent value. He breaks her with just a touch of his fingers. She closes her eyes and repays those ardent caresses one sultry afternoon in May. Everything seems so real.
I remember the part where he stands, yells at her and begs that she stays away, but she doesn't.
I remember the part where she storms out of a room, and he follows suit.
I remember the part where they want to buy happiness, but what they get is more pain.
I remember the part where they both wait at the opposite sides of the train station. She steps in and finds out that he stays and lets the other train go forth. She cries but decides to move along.
I remember the part where in a lane, at an intersection they see each other. She walks, closer...closer...and he walks...closer...closer...
I remember the part where they both smile and tell themselves, it's a good day.
I remember the part where he passes by her. She walks on and doesn't see anything but the street light that goes red.
Every scene seems so real, it's frightening.
As I close the book, I remember.
As I remember, I sigh.
As I sigh, I hope.
As I hope, I cry.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Ayun sila. Nag iingay, nagdadaldalan, mambabara, manggugulo. Magdadaldal ka, magdadaldal sila. Parang palengke...no. Parang kongreso. Sa sobrang ingay hindi na nagkakaintindihan.
"Hindi na ba talaga kayo marunong rumespeto? Respeto naman o. Hindi tayo naglolokohan dito."
That was the first time that I spoke in pure Filipino in front of my students in an English Class. All the ideals within me, all the expectations, the enthusiasm, the hopes and goals--all went down the drain. Everything faded because of one loss.
In a system that depreciates highly in value, in a system that needs to uplift its status, we need force to apply gradual progress. This force must be strong enough to reach, even tap the inner desire of its elements to move and change. In this system, we have elements that have been used to becoming immobile, much to the chagrin of the force.
I am a part of this force, and I have realized that I slowly lose my faith in the strength that I have. I need their part in making this work. I can't do this alone. Hindi pwedeng ako lang ng ako ang nagtratrabaho para maayos to. Mahirap.
It's easy to say you love a class, para mong sinabing nagmamahal ka ng grupo ng mga batang mga inampon mo. Pero mas mahirap panindigan. Madami kang ibibigay pero di ka siguradong may babalik sa yo. Siguro ganun nga talaga yun. Things are certainly learned the hard way.
Should I stay in this field that makes me feel angst, disappointment and dismay?
Why shouldn't I?
"May pangako ako. I try hard not to break that promise."
Why shouldn't I?
"Kasi gusto ko. I have always had this hope that I can change a life. Hanggang ngayon."
Trying hard. Amp.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Random things. ^^kk
I'm already awesome, but I still resolve to be more awesome this year!
I'll finally have my Starbucks Planner tomorrow.
I was happy last 2008. A lot of ugly and unwanted things happened, but overall, I can say it was a blast.
Don't dwell in your imagination. Wake up and live in reality. In tagalog, 'Huwag mabuhay sa panaginip'.
Uzumaki Naruto and Monkey D. Luffy kicks ass. And they'll kick more ass this year.
I am going to wait for Monster Hunter Unite. Alright!
I wish that everyone will have a great year. Cheers!
Don't you just love Urbandub? I'll continue rooting for them and for Kjwan this '09.
I can't believe how colorful this blog post is turning out to be. I just want everyone who'll stumble upon this post to never forget to smile despite the tides that you are all fighting against. Live life. Love. Laugh. Yeah^^